A Dialogue:

Doug: You know how there's a small drop of water somewhere but suddenly your whole goddamn hand and half the counter top is wet? You know that?

Mark: One microgram of honey = smeared absolutely everywhere, including in your bed, on your computer keyboard, on stereo knobs, on refrigerator handle, on car door handle, on steering wheel.

Mark: And in your hair and down your pants.

Mark: You wake up with honey in your nostrils.

Mark: You can ruin someone's life with a small pot of honey.

Doug: Another one, by the way, is mustard.

Doug: Mustard has greater spreading and smearing power than any other substance on earth.

Mark: I don't know, honey has profound self-multiplying principles.

Doug: Hmm...maybe the scalar increase of honey is greater.

Doug: I think it's 1g > 58g > 34567 g > 3469732 kilos

Doug: Talk about the self-multiplying principles.

Mark: One gram multiplies itself into 2 grams, then into 8 grams, then into 32 grams, then 156 grams, etc.

Doug: We need to get this published in a scientific journal. Mark: GOD DAMN IT -- The Journal of Extreme Irritation

Doug: Dad is Editor Emeritus.

Mark: The Journal of Irritation is published in Chicago.

Mark: I wonder who would subscribe?

Doug: Dad would subscribe to the Journal of Extreme Irritation, read the thing, and get extremely frustrated, try to rip the pages out, not be able to, and hurl the thing out the window, screaming in rage.

Doug: It would be a journal with the power to exponentially increase annoyance to the point of homocidal fury.

Mark: I see it as some sort of soothing tonic for easily irritated people.

Mark: Catharsis through reading other people's extremely annoying experiences.

Doug: Yes, but these people would be so easily irritated that they would get annoyed for no reason and end up smashing their head through plate glass.

Doug: Screaming all the while.

Mark: Would you like to see a 1.5 hr. film of people hurling themselves off different cliffs?

Doug: I would rather see a 3-hour film of rotund individuals running full speed into walls.