On Sneezing

We consider the cathartic release of a sneeze.

The first enticing hint in the irritation of the respiratory epithelium lining of the nose, like a faint, salty breeze as you approach the ocean; the steady release of histamine or leukotrienes triggered by the trigeminal nerve, building stimulation to the nasal mucosa; the sudden onrush of the plateau phase; and then the thundering, joyous crash of discharge, billions of pneumococci and other toxins egressed in one explosive burst from the system. Afterwards, preternatural calm, peace. Tangled, stressed, chaotic brainwaves reset to a flat line.

Truly the high point of my day.

My cubicle doesn't afford me much privacy -- I can't carry on truly private phone conversations, catch a 30-minute nap, or have sex in here -- but I can give a sneeze the space it deserves.

At the first sinoid tingle I push my chair away from my desk, whipping off my glasses and cocking my head back to look up at the ceiling -- for I am a light-induced sneezer, part of the 20% of the population with photic sneeze reflex, and the flourescent fixture above my cubicle has the just the right light wave length, tint and total lumens to trigger deeply purificatory evacuations of the nasal cavity. Then, spreading out my arms at a 73 degree angle to my torso and tilting my head ever so slightly to the left while rotating the chair clockwise between 5 and 9 degrees -- this never fails -- I experience a profound spasm of nasal expurgation accompanied by a yell that violates office decorum. And no handkerchiefs either, please, none of this panty-waist nose-covering: these are minor apocalypses -- deep, shuddering blasts of spiritual intensity which leave me with my head between my knees in full crash position for 4-5 minutes.

My grandmother, God rest her soul, once showed me a technique for stifling sneezes that involved putting a stiff index finger under your nose. But she was from the old country, from a very different era. For my part, I cannot even imagine suppressing the urge to sneeze. It'd be like...like...God, I don't even know what to compare it to.