The Gorney Party Platform

This may be the arena in which to launch the Gorney Party.

The Gorney Party answers the crying needs of the day: peace and quiet in the cities, and orthodoxy in professional sports.

Here, then, is an outline of our platform:

I. America is entirely too noisy. Let's keep it quiet. Here's how:

A. Leaf blowers will be banned.
1. Those employed using them will be given rakes.

B. Car speakers over 5" in diameter will be strictly prohibited.

C. Car alarms also will be forbidden.
1. Those cars found to be in violation of this statute will
be promptly flattened.

D. The Harley-Davidson Motorcycle company will be given six weeks to
adopt contemporary muffler technology.

E. Convene a House committee to investigate the implementation of
laser technology as a means of eliminating -- and eventually
banning -- jackhammers.

II. Professional Sports in America have gone astray. Here's how to fix them:

A. General
1. The use and manufacture of Astroturf will be prohibited.
2. All dome stadiums will be reconfigured either to open-air
structures or simply destroyed.

B. Baseball
1. The designated hitter rule will be eliminated.
2. Aluminum bats will be prohibited.
3. The playing of music from sources other than the stadium
organ will be expressly forbidden.
4. Baseball will be federalized.
a. A Commissioner will be appointed by the president at
the Cabinet level.

C. Football
1. All helmet facemask bars shall be gray.

D. Basketball
1. NBA Teams which consistently underperform --
the Golden State Warriors, for instance -- will be
relegated to the CBA or other minor, pro-am, or neighborhood
leagues until such time as their record and quality of
play are deemed adequate to justify their fans' attention.

E. Hockey
1. Why the fighting?
a. Convene a Senate subcommittee to investigate.

F. NASCAR
1. State education budgets in the Southeastern states shall
be federally supplemented.